My Gambling Story - Miss Candice M.
(New Albany IN USA)
My addictions started way back in the beginning of 2003, and has yet to cease from existing. It started out being with alcohol - with that came drugs, though I have never shot up dope. With that no longer an issue due to the NA program that I still am going to (I'm in with Step 2) drugs are no longer a thrill as they once were.
Now what is: gambling, I have put myself in debt with my bank several times, and want to use every spare dollar for a scratch off ticket that may or may not pay out, though I still have the desire to take that chance.
I have had a boyfriend for 3 yrs off and on again many times, and every time we have had a falling out over my behaviors - lying - cheating - and stealing. These are the only 3 things that he requires me not to do, and yet I find that through this addiction I am doing most of those listed, the lying and stealing. Most recently I have been caught trying to get into his drawer where he keeps his access change that until I came around he had up to hundreds of dollars saved through his doing this. Now he cannot keep around a few dollars without having to worry, and rightly so.
I am going mad within myself to figure out how to support my addiction and try my hardest to pull one over without getting caught, but since this behavior is being closely monitored I can no longer do this successfully. So instead of just letting the disease die with the failed efforts I in turn go out of my way to find my hidden check book and write a bad check for money in order to gamble.
In the beginning of the now on again relationship I let him know everything up front - about how I cannot handle my money properly - that I am in debt with my bank due to my gambling about every nickle I had gotten
last month and lost at the casino. With that revealed to him I handed over my debit card and check books that very day. Now with me not knowing where they are is driving me up the wall because I want to spend money I don't have - write a bad check in hopes that it will be covered in time with the money that automatically comes in. I am beside myself with this gambling thing.
My thoughts on the 12 step program are this - I know that they won't work because of my failed attempts to work them with this ever growing problem. I put in the effort, but this still does not keep me from doing just one that turns into many.
I have lost over at least $1,000 this year alone. This is progressive, fatal, and compulsive for me, and I don't want to lose another attempt at the only good relationship I have ever had because of this disease. I am begging you for individual help and attention with this please. Because I have done what has been suggested with getting someone to think for me and handing over my access to my account, but that still hasn't changed my wanting to gamble. I do my best to just make it through the day without trying to get into his change or searching feverishly for my checks.
Just the other day I snuck so carefully to his side of the bed and tried to get into his drawer to fish out some change to go get a scratch off, with which I failed as the whole drawer about fell to the floor. That, needless to say, didn't go over well as I tried to come up with a lie to explain to him why I was there in the first place.
Due to all of this I am running along very thin ice and very little patience with him once again, and I don't want to lose him due to my stupidity.
Is there anything that I can do besides steps in this matter?